Couple's Retirement Puzzle

Retirement Planning: 6 Effective Ways to Start the Retirement Conversation

Here's a great story illustrating some very common communication issues that arise as couples begin to discuss retirement-related issues:

Tammy’s husband, William, was rushed to the hospital with chest pain that turned out to be a mild heart attack. After the initial shock, fear and, finally, relief, Tammy realized that if William had died, she would have been overwhelmed, not only by the grief of the loss but also by all the things they had not talked about.

She did not know anything about their portfolio of stocks, bonds and other assets, and had no idea where William kept their will and other important legal documents. Every time she tried to bring up the subject, William said that he was taking care of things.

Tammy was angry that her husband wasn’t responsive to her concerns Meanwhile, William didn’t understand why his wife was worried, and he tried to reassure her. Tammy wasn’t satisfied, but she didn’t know how to get William to understand her feelings.

Are you ready to start a conversation with your partner, but don’t know how to bring it up? One of the best ways to engage your partner is to let them know how you feel about an issue and ask for help in working toward a solution together. It opens the space for joint problem solving and minimizes defensive reactions.

For Tammy, frustration mounted when she felt William wasn’t listening to her concerns. If she started a conversation with him by saying, “You never listen to me when I talk,” William would probably become defensive, possibly even patronizing. But if she said, “I need to learn more about our portfolio so that if something happens to you I won’t be lost,” it’s more likely that William will be able to hear what Tammy is feeling and respond more positively to her request.

Here are a few steps you can take with your partner to open the communication valves so that you can effective discuss your retirement vision:

1.  Start the conversation with an agreed-upon topic. Set a time limit for the conversation, and agree to no blaming or shaming.

2.  Communicate clearly. Clear communication starts with using “I” in your statements rather than “you,” which can be interpreted as blaming.

3. Be a good listener.  Listening is an essential part of effective communication that takes skill, discipline and practice. Being a good listener is more difficult than you may think, but it is one of the best ways to show your partner that you want to hear what they are saying.

4.  Bring up difficult issues. Some issues are more difficult to bring up than others. When you have something on your mind, think about why it’s important to you, what you’re feeling and the pros and cons of discussing it with your partner.

5.  Importance of Compromise. Knowing how to compromise is an important communication skill. It’s not unusual for couples to have different viewpoints or areas of disagreement. Compromise is not about “right” or “wrong.” Instead of becoming polarized in a “win-lose” struggle, a “win-win” solution can be achieved when both partners are willing to make concessions for the good of the relationship.

6.  Engage in problem solving. Creative problem solving can be an opportunity for growth and sharing responsibility. It’s a way for couples to work together as a team to achieve positive outcomes and benefit the relationship.

Communicating effectively is probably the single most important factor that predicts successful relationships. When couples can talk together without blaming and without being reactive and defensive, chances are they will have conversations that result in more positive outcomes.

Retirement Planning: How to Communicate With Your Partner About Your Retirement Transition

It is not uncommon for couples to come away from a conversation about retirement with a completely different understanding of what was said. One reason may be related to differences in how men and women process information. Current brain research suggests that men process and use the logical, more rational left brain to solve problems and perform tasks. They tend to focus on solutions to “fix” the problem. Women, on the other hand, often approach problems more intuitively, from a relational and emotional perspective, using both the right and left sides of the brain. It is easy to see why it may be frustrating when couples are trying to communicate.

Cultural or societal expectations can play a role in communication difficulties, as well as a couple’s relationship issues, personality differences, and family dynamics. What often happens when couples are not in agreement is that one or the other, or both, will react rather than respond. If one or both partners come across as angry and defensive, it is easy for disagreements to erupt into arguments. With so many potential barriers, it is a wonder that couples find ways to talk together at all.

It Takes Good Communication

Good communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship and to having a successful conversation about your retirement transition. Understanding the similarities and differences in how you and your partner process information, approach problems and make decisions can do a lot to help improve communication. Starting a conversation by talking about your feelings with a partner who uses logic to understand and solve problems can be a setup for disappointment and frustration. Likewise, explaining things logically to someone who is more intuitive and emotional can be frustrating for both of you. Learning to bring up issues in a way that your partner can hear and understand will make a big difference in your communication.

It can be easy to avoid difficult topics by being too busy, too tired or too afraid to bring things up because of past experience. Trying to talk together may seem futile. Could the problem be that you keep having the same conversation in the same old way, while expecting a different outcome? If this sounds familiar, you may be thinking, “Why bother?” But maybe what needs to change is how you have the conversation.

It does take a leap of faith to be open to learning a different way of communicating when you have been caught up in old patterns. Although we cannot guarantee the results, our experience tells us that trying a new approach can lead to a different outcome. Try a different approach with your partner today and see if you have a more productive conversation about your retirement plans.

Retirement Plans: What Will You Retire To?

With twenty or more years ahead, have you thought about what you’ll retire to? Several decades ago, you could have expected to live into your mid-seventies or eighties. Today, advances in medicine and technology—combined with living a healthy lifestyle and a little good luck—mean you can look forward to the possibility of living well into your eighties, nineties or even longer.

The Times, They Are a Changin'

As Bob Dylan once said, “The times they are a changin’.” We are in the midst of what is being called a longevity revolution. Seventy-eight million “baby boomers,” and many more on the older fringe, are pioneering a new life stage characterized by living and working longer, developing encore careers and taking advantage of opportunities for growth in the second half of life. The traditional notion of the “golden years,” with Social Security and a condo in Florida, is becoming a thing of the past.

In the 21st century, we are being challenged to redefine retirement and reinvent ourselves in order to live our version of “the good life”—having financial security, access to adequate health care, and enjoying a sense of meaning, purpose and belonging as we get older. We are experiencing personal change and questioning how to continue to grow as individuals and as couples in this new life stage. The question for each of us is, “How do I want to live the next part of my life?”

Redefining Retirement

If the notion of the “golden years” is no longer relevant, what do we need to be thinking about that will take its place, and how can couples plan for this together? “Retirement” is a concept that is in transition. It no longer reflects what people are experiencing or means what it used to, but it has yet to be re-defined. We use the word “retirement” for the sake of common language, rather than as a description of what individuals and society are experiencing. 

Although this time of life can be confusing, overwhelming, and scary, it can also be an opportunity for making choices about how you want to live the next part of your life. It does not necessarily mean not working. Many of us need to continue earning an income, and others choose to work because they love what they do. It is more about exploring the possibilities for living and working differently, whether that means full-time or part-time work or consulting, volunteering, developing an encore career, pursuing interests and hobbies, or something entirely different.

The goal for many people at this life stage is being able to fit work into life, rather than continuing to squeeze life into work. Still others, finally having time for leisure after so many years of hard work, may decide they do not want to work at all and opt for a more traditional retirement. The why, what, when, where, and how are specific to you.

Don't think of retirement as the end, but as a new beginning. Ultimately, what you are retiring to becomes more important than what you are retiring from.  As you transition to retirement, you can begin to let go of what is no longer necessary, while opening the space for creating what will come next.

Update on Couple's Retirement Puzzle Book publication

We’re excited that our book is nearing completion. Look for information on our website www.couplesretirementpuzzle.com

To keep up to date on its progress. We’re ready to make this blog more active. Send your stories about your retirement transition and any questions that you might have. We look forward to connecting with all of you.  Roberta and Dori

How to Handle Your Finances Without Fighting

In January, 2010, I gave a teleclass for the Beverly Financial Group in Chicago, IL.  Here is the link for the teleclass entitled: "How to Handle Your Finances Without Fighting." 

http://www.advisorsquare.com/new/bevfinancialgroup/FinancesWithoutFighting.wav

I wanted to send it to you in case some of you would like to listen to it. It’s about the importance of understanding your own money messages and ways to begin to talk with your partner about money if you’re in a relationship. I hope you’ll find it helpful.

Also, if you’re in a relationship you may want to sign up on my book website, Couples Retirement Puzzle. As some of you know, I am in the process of co-authoring a book with my friend and colleague, Roberta Taylor. The book is entitled, "The Couples Retirement Puzzle: The 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life." The book is due out in Spring 2011.

Book Review: Next Steps: A Practical Guide to Planning for The Best Half of Your Life

I recently read a book that I think is helpful for all of us as we plan for the next half of our own life or are helping our parents, in-laws or others plan for their lives. It's helpful for individuals and also particularly helpful for couples since they discuss many of the issues in relation to couples.  It's called Next Steps: A Practical Guide to Planning for the Best Half of Your Life--Trusted Advice on How to Secure Your Future and Avoid Costly Mistakes, by Jan Warner & Jan Collins. It's based on their nationally syndicated cloumn "Next Steps."

There are all sorts of reasons why many of us avoid discussing these issues. But, given my philosophy of trying to control the parts of life we can control,it's important for all of us to think ahead and plan for ourselves, our partner, our children (if we have them), our parents (if they're still alive) and even our pets. It's actually a form of "insurance" to protect ourselves and our loved ones--to consciously and intentionally plan for the next stage of our lives. Our up-coming book, The Couples Retirement Puzzle: The 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning  to the Second Half of Life focuses on many of the conversations that are important to have. This book, Next Steps, provides some legal and practical "nuts and bolts" regarding how to prepare for this next half of life.

Bottom line, in Next Steps, the authors discuss the importance of putting our wishes and directions in writing so there will be an "orderly transfer of authority" so we know that our partner, children, parents, and even our pets will be cared for. They cover issues such a putting together a team of people that is right for you, ways to understand and prepare the documents we need, and a lot of the "what ifs" in life--such as if you or your partner become chronically ill or incapacited. They also focus on issues such as health care planning, long term care issues, and understanding basic medicare and medicaid issues as well as basic patient's rights in assisted living and nursing home facilities. They also focus on issues such as divorce, 2nd or 3rd marriages when we're older, cohabitation and domestic partnerships. The final section of the book focuses on end of life issues such as funerals, burials, organ donations, planning for pets, etc. It's important to understand the issues and risks and choose professionals who can help us maximize our options. We're including this book as a resource in our book. I'm a believer that we can breathe more easily once we know that we've taken the time to prepare for some of the possible contigencies in life. My husband and I have already done many of the things they've mentioned in the book, and i found it helpful to become aware of some additional things. It's helpful reading for ourselves and also if we're in a caretaking role with any older relatives or friends. If you check the book out, we'd love to hear your thoughts. Take care.  Dori

Positive Aging Conference

Hi all--First of all, we want to wish everyone a very happy and healthy 2010. Roberta and I recently attended the Positive Aging Conference at Eckard College, St. Petersburg, Florida. We presented an overview of our model from our upcoming book: The Couples Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life. Our book will be available in Spring 2011.

The model was well received and we're looking forward to providing training for professionals as well as workshops and support groups for couples. We have a new website for our book: www.couplesretirementpuzzle.com.  We hope you'll sign up for our emails and updates on the book as well as resources and tips. As 2010 begins we plan more active blog posts and welcome your questions, comments and ideas.

Many individulas set up resolutions for the new year. It's also helpful for couples to set up goals and resolutions--to be accomplished this year--but it's also helpful to set up both short term and longer term goals. For example, as a couple--what goals do you have for the next 30 days? 90 days? 6 months? 9 months? a year?  It's not unusal for people to aim for big goals that can't actually be accomplished so quickly. We advocate breaking the goals down into little steps. There's a great sense of mastery when you're able to accomplish one little goal/step  at a time. We'd love to hear some of the goals you've begun to craft together as a couple.  Take care.  Dori Mintzer

A Courageous Move

For several years they have  gone back and forth, literally and figuratively. Gary's heart is in their Vermont home which Linda also loves. But her friends, social and professional life are in Boston. Now that LInda is approaching 60 and Gary turning 65, the tipping point has been reached and they are in agreement; the time has come. The details need to be worked out but the plan is to be in Boston a few days each week seeing clients and spending time with friends and family. The majority of their time,  however, will be in Vermont. Linda and Gary are not retiring in the traditional sense, they are moving towards what's next. They both want more simplicity and freedom to explore deeper, more creative aspects of themselves. It means selling a home as well as letting go of the way things have been in order to open the space for something different. It is a courageous lifestyle change, which after years of discussion, compromise and negotiation, is finally happening.

Many couples face the dilemma of where to live and what kind of lifestyle they want. It's not a decision made overnight but one that usually results from many conversations before coming to agreement. This can  take time. It's never too soon to begin the conversation. Lifestyle change in retirement transition often requires exploration and planning in advance. Whether it's staying in your home, downsizing into a condo, living on a boat, or moving to another country. It's time to talk!

Role Models and More

Five couples came together to reflect on their journey of retirement transition. They ranged from 68 to 92 years young. With honesty, humility and humor they shared stories of joy and sorrow, vulnerability and resilience, success and disappointment,  and the impact of illness, disability, and loss. They were the last of the focus group series for the upcoming book, The Couples Retirement Puzzle: A Guide for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life that I'm writing with my friend and colleague, Dori Mintzer.

Stereotypes of elders were challenged as we listened to moving accounts of how hopes and dreams had been realized or reconciled. Dori and I felt privileged to be witnessing the telling of these inspiring stories. We heard about acceptance of life on life's terms; longevity; "it gives you more time to put the pieces of your life's puzzle together"; how spirituality deepens in midlife and career change can fulfill passions and dreams. For one woman being a wife and homemaker was  the most gratifying part of her life. Another started her own business at the ageof seventy six. An 82 year old man said the past ten years have been the most productive of his life.

The conversation could have lasted for hours. Several people commented that talking with their peers had been an enlivening experience and they wanted more. These wise elders, role models, mentors, and teachers generously shared the wisdom of their vast experience.

The group unanimously agreed that advice giving wasn't helpful but offered some of their thoughts about life:

• Helping others is the key to life
• Follow your heart
• The greatest gift is doing what you love and living your life purpose
• Retirement is not an ending
• Forget the word "no" when it comes to your spouse
• Go out and make new friends
• Plan for the unexpected
• Keep a balance in life
• Regrets are a waste of time
• Your memory will live on in the hearts of those who know and love you
• If you don't know how to play...learn

Wise elders need to be acknowledged. They are eager to share their stories and lessons learned to help guide and enrich our lives.

Communication Assessment for Couples

Are you and your partner on the same page when it comes to retirement or are you reading different books? This simple assessment will help you get a quick glimpse into how you each view your communication around some important topics.

Instructions: Do the assessment separately and then share your results.

Put a T after the statements you believe are True. Notice the areas that you may need to be talking more about.

1.  My partner and I make important decisions together.

2.  We agree on how to manage our finances and resources.

3.  We have planned our timetable for retirement.

4.  Conversations have included our hopes and dreams for the future.

5.  We spend time together doing things we both enjoy.

6.  We agree that we need to have time together as well as time apart.

7.  We have planned for our future medical and health care needs.

8.  Intimacy and affection are an important part of our relationship.

9.  We agree on obligations and responsibilities to family.

10. Social and community connections are a satisfying part of our lives.

Where do you fall on the scale below? How many T’s do you have in common? Remember, this is meant to be a helpful indicator for opening up communication. No blaming or shaming allowed!

10  Give each other a big hug. You’re ready to write the “How To” book for couples.
6-9  Sounds like you’re in synch. Ongoing communication is important as you plan for
         what’s next.
5-8    You’re on the right track. Practice listening to each other and sharing what’s important to you.
1-4    You’re not alone. Many couples need help talking about some of the important issues related to retirement and what’s next.

Let us know how you did.  Got questions?  Ask them here on the blog in the comments section.